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    I'm Susanne; A girl on a journey to find the answers.

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Mariposa

For the better part of a year, I’ve been feeling less than my best. I’ve been less friendly, less willing to break the ice in new social situations, less willing to even GO to new social situations. A friend of mine connected me with a event planner in the city who brought me aboard to photograph “Crazy, Sexy, Miracles.” It was serendipity!! 3 Beans Studio

Kris Carr–in her AMAZING shoes–said something about having “in years.” Years where there is only enough energy to focus on your soul and body. It really resonated with me. I started to feel much better about the fact that I thought I was moving in reverse; A social butterfly who suddenly feels like a worm in a chrysalis. I’ve been having and trying accept my “in” year. I still socialize, of course. Just not as much as I feel like I should or would have, even a handful of months ago. Maybe when the weather starts to warm up and some of this snow starts to melt, I’ll feel like coming back out and joining the world again?

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OH, but when I have gotten out, I’ve gone out BIG! The Point Plungers (“The Point” is another nick name for West Point) donned our bright pink uniforms, hand the cameras and kids off to the husbands and each took turns plunging into a literally FREEZING waters to raise money for the Special Olympics of New York. We were SO proud be in the top 10 fundraiser teams in NY!!! People think soldiers are amazing, but the WIVES of soldiers, those are the people who continuously amaze me, in every way!!! So much grace, grit and humility.

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Nothing like seeing the “jump scene” marked off with “crime scene” tape, LOL!3 Beans Studio

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The blocks of ice lining the water? Ice they had to CUT from the surface so we could actually jump into WATER. BRRRRR.

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Becky M - March 19, 2014 - 8:08 pm

I’m right there with you. For me I know why I’ve been less social, exhaustion!! I do believe these things are cyclical though. You’ll snap out of it when the time is right. It looks like you’ve got a great support group in the military wives though. What a fun fundraiser!!

Follow the light….

After re-reading my last blog post, I realized how vague I was. I have a hard time wanting to talk about work in such a public forum, because I work in a “private” profession. I also got all of my venting out of my system the first few days after leaving my job. For the sake of not leaving you hanging (I hate vauge “you’re not in the know” posts on any forum!!” this is what happened:

I was up for contract renewal at my job. The place I’m at in therapy, there is a lot of transition. Either people jump to keep you or they jump to fill your spot with new residents/externs who can boost the profit margin. I was under the impression that I was going to be staying at the practice I was at. We were about 3 weeks into contract negotiations and I had already been offered more in compensation. We were working out details of whether I would continue is an an independent agent who billed the owner of the practice or if I would become an “employee” of the practice. The owner and I felt very differently about this. It was clear that we both were not willing to budge on our stance, so we parted ways. The owner and I met again at the beginning of the month just to tie up loose ends and make a peaceful parting (that’s what therapists do!).

What I AM doing right now:

1) I have to study for the national exam which I’ll take in May. Most of my peers took the exam 2 years out of grad school and even they had plenty of studying to do. So 8 years later, I’m a little nervous about it. Who doesn’t get nervous about taking an exam that takes 1/2 a day?? Still, in practice, I realized just how AMAZING the program I graduate from is. I was definitely given a rock solid foundation in the mental health field and quite frankly it’s a little scary to see other programs pumping out ill trained professionals to help other people.

2) I always have photography to fall back on, which is wonderful. Photographing the Crazy, Sexy, Miracles event opened up some doors for me that have been beautiful!! Did I ever blog about Crazy, Sexy, Miracles? If not, that will be up next!!

3) I have a workbook in the making. My husband has been encouraging me to (FOR YEARS!!!!) to get some of my detailed treatment plans that have gotten beautiful reviews from families into a usable format for other families or practitioners. He knew there would be NO good coming out of 4 or 5 full months at home. It was evident to both of us many moons ago that I’m just not domestic enough to be at home full time. So there’s a workbook in the making.

4) Kriss Carr (Crazy, Sexy, Cancer) REALLY opened my eyes to just being OK with having an “in” year. So I’m trying to embrace that. I’ve been juicing, working out (tennis, yoga, spin) and just trying to be present with the kids and with Greg.

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Where Spirit meets with Joy

Late last year, maybe in November, I was invited to a women’s leadership conference. The objective of the conference was to help women identify their strengths and career, family and live objectives. The last day of the conference, when we each stood, one after another, and said out loud what we felt we were taking with us, I said I felt confident that I had established strong and meaningful goals and that I would continue doing what I was doing.

Apparently, the Divine had something else in mind. Shortly after the new year, the new year in which my only resolution was to keep on keeping on, my rug was yanked from under my feet. All of the thoughts, visions and goals I had set for myself suddenly became completely obsolete. At least for the near future, as I can see it. There would be no more keeping on.

So I’m back at square one, wondering what on earth I’m supposed to be doing with my time? Although I was still under supervision, I had built very respectable therapy practice. I felt I had almost the perfect balance between home and work. I had come to believe that I might actually enjoy running a practice of my own, some day.

What do I do now? Clearly I wasn’t supposed to be where I was at, otherwise that door wouldn’t have shut SO abruptly. I do think that eventually, I will start seeing clients again. If I was selective before, I’ll be even more selective now. I don’t believe I’m interested in working more than 5-10 hours a week with therapy clients. I don’t see myself ever doing it full time.

What do I do when I don’t have a clue? Vision board. I started working on a vision board, but even that, I can’t seem to piece anything together. There are only two firm decisions that I’ve been able to make: I’m going to give juicing another try and I want to travel to beautiful and warm places. You’ll probably see lots of green juice photos, while I figure out what on earth I’m supposed to be doing or which warm place I want to go to next.

For now, I’ll share with you some photos from my past few months. chinese-year-horse3 Beans Studio3 Beans Studio3 Beans Studio3 Beans Studio3 Beans Studio3 Beans Studio3 Beans Studio3 Beans Studio

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Becky M - February 2, 2014 - 11:53 pm

I don’t know, but I think your calling is photography!!

I steal.

Like any good artist, I like to steal ideals and make them better. I feel only a little guilt when I say better. What people WANT me to say is “I make them unique,” or “I make them different,” “I add my own creative spin to it.” No, No. That’s not what I did in this case. In this case I stole something and made it better.

If you look at the end of my blog post, you’ll find an AMAZING thing. You’ll see the tastiest glass of wine, with some fruit and cheese. It’s pretty much the gates of heaven in a sketch. It’s not heaven, because there is no sushi or images of that moment when you see your beautiful kid quiet and sleeping…..but it’s almost there.

There is this other blogger I follow who has this image at the footer of her posts. Milk and cookies. It’s cute and I used to love it. I go to her blog simply to see this. Some times there was other interesting stuff, some times not….but there’s always milk and cookies and I think “It’s SO cute! I want it!!” Only, I’m not cute. My kids are cute and my puppy is cute. I’m not cute. I carry love in my heart and fire in my throat. I dislike hearing my neighbor snore at night and really want to bang on the walls and cuss him out. I like sex. I used to LOVE sex, but now I have 3 kids and a job, so I just like it now. Basically, CUTE is not me. So I had to steal those cute cookies and erase them. I don’t even really like cookies. I also don’t like milk. I like cream. I like CAKE! To me, cookies and milk is Santa Clause and kids. I’m more on the  curse word and aroma therapy and less on the Santa Clause side of things.

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So I took this image and I kept the line and I made it 200 times better!! I’m a thief and my blog is happy for it!!!

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Becky M - January 15, 2014 - 5:04 pm

Your new image isn’t showing up. :( I can see the milk and cookies, but not wine and cheese. mmmmmm… wine and cheese!

Hungover.

I love Brene’ Brown’s and work on vulnerability.

I THOUGHT I was making good effort to be “wholehearted.” I’ve heard her TED talks on Vulnerability. I own her books and have tried to read them. I tried to stand in my truth. It was beautiful. It took Brene’ a year in therapy to get there. I got there in a few weeks.

Yet, One thing that never made sense to me was her talking about her “vulnerability hangover.” Not this girl. I was the 23 year old “vulnerability” specialist. You know the girl that can go out and live up her vulnerability all night, just as hard as her 21 year old friends, but avoid a hang over??  Not this girl. No Vulnerability Hangover for me.

Funny how when something doesn’t make sense and you really want to understand it, it gets thrown in your face. When you pray for patience, it gets delivered. You end up with a child doing a face down impression of a dying monkey while you wait in LONG line to pick up a certified piece of mail.  You pray to become more compassionate and the smelliest, hairiest, ogre looking homeless guy saunters towards you screaming something about food. That was pretty much what happened with me and “The vulnerability hang over.”

I give the credit to my beautiful friend and writer Liz and also Glennon at Momastery. Their writing made me “get it.” I finally saw what honesty was. Not the ” The party was ok,” sort of honesty. Not that. I mean nitty gritty, I feel a little sick to my stomach, honest. “I party was ok because I felt insecure and didn’t feel like I really connected with anyone.” I can’t do this sort of honesty every day. I can only do it in small doses, because when I’m REALLY honest it takes all of my guts, energy and emotion. Then I spend an entire day feeling a little beat up or “hungover.” I need a few days in between to be mostly honest or roundabout honest. Then I try again. Eventually, it might become less scary and exhausting.

 

 

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